Retirement... : )

 I am heading for the end of my 24 year career. 

Retirement is a completion of a career not a completion of a life. 

This is a giant leap of faith for me. 

I am just not...

...happy
...content
...at peace
...alive
...well

Maybe one day I will feel alive again. I am not sure why. I have an idea, but honestly, it is sad to think my whole being can be depressed by food. Maybe I have said it before, but I will say it again, I wish I could live and not eat. I know that God designed us in a way to eat, and to enjoy the food He provided, so why? Maybe it is not food. Maybe it is this cold winter that seems to never end. It seems that winter's length always outnumbers every other month...put together. maybe it is rest, or expectation, or preparedness, or overwhelming pressure to perform, or illness...

Pray for me
Pray for me
Pray for me
Please

A Year Later

We have lived here a year.

362 days from my blog about lying to you-but not intentionally

I never expected to still be here. To think of this as home. I cannot explain what I expected, but it was not living in a shop-house.
     Sam and Becky and Maverick are in Wa.
     JJjjj (yep, another j!) are in the big house and appear to love it.
     K is no longer K&K. Who knew what would happen. And, now it’s all but done.

I want to say more, but my expressor is broken. 

January-the unpredictable

I’m sitting in the living room with a blank stare. Well, in between blinking because my eyes are burning. Since Thursday, I have been fighting off a bug. On Friday I expected a snow day because of weather predictions. I went to work even though I really wanted to stay home because I was sick, but we got out at 2:00. On Saturday I had the cold, on Sunday I had the aches. On Monday I had the never-ending combination, and I called in sick. First time this year. I just went to bed early to prepare for a six a.m. start. Just trying to relax, and it rings. 10:00 Late start. L-I-B. Maybe I will get another day to heal. I will certainly get to sleep in. 🤧😌 But the thing that’s got me on edge is that John is on the road hauling a load. Feed. And he still needs to deliver it.  20° with a misting rain makes for stressful trucking. I guess I just have to leave it in His hands. Nothing I can do to make it different or better just prayer.

I guess it’s time to see if laying down will be a good idea. Good night all. Sweet dreams.

Thanksgiving 2018

There are so many things for which to be grateful...
1. Jesus~Not only Jesus, but His love for me. He could have left me in my sin and shame, but He saw more in me than anyone ever could. He died for me•He gave His life so I could live.That’s love.  💕
2. John~He loves me 🌸 I’ve disappointed and let him down time and time again, but he never gives up on me. ♥️
3. My family~All of them. Those before and those behind.
4. My home~I walk in here everyday and still feel like I’m dreaming. I’m not Alice in Wonderland, but I kinda feel like I’m falling. There are things that are different and things that are not. This is a picture of The Shop and House-the shouse is the small door and two windows on the left.

5. My job~teaching. I’d like to say it’s my passion. I can’t. I’m thankful because it helps pay my bills and provides much needed insurance, but my passion is no longer in teaching. I love the kids. I love trying to expand their point-of-view; I’m just out of ideas. I have lost the ability to help them connect. Maybe I am no longer connected myself. I sound ungrateful, for this I apologize.
6. The Bible~I think everyday about how God spoke to us. How He could have left us to our own devices, but He gave us step by step instructions from the beginning of time to the end of time as well as our own personal tour guide, the Holy Spirit (can I get an Amen?!?).

Thanksgiving is next Thursday. One week from today. I have so much more to be thankful for, but those 6 things are all I’m listing today.

Praise God for life, love, and peace.

New-New-New

I promised about 18 years ago that I would not move. Or rather my next move would be to the cemetery that is up the road. Well, I lied. Not intentionally, mind you, but I did. Evenso, we have not changed our address.

Let me back up...

Kelly decided that he is not a farmer.
Kelly received an offer for a dream job.
Kelly took the job.
John had to think of what to do now that the generational farm dream “poofed”.
John and Kami now have two homes-his and hers??? Not exactly.
Jennifer proposed an idea that included living on the farm where she would like to raise their babies.
Kimberly, Kelly’s wife, just finished the first part of the nursing program. The second part starts in August 2018. She opted to not accept an alternative school option that would likely add an additional year to her program.
...there you have the trigger...
Kelly is living with his incredibly generous in-laws in Lincoln.
Kim is with him for the summer.
John and Kami moved into K&K’s house, “shouse,” as it is technically called (since it shares a roof and wall with the shop).
Jennifer and Josh, Jude and Journee are in the process of moving into the “big house.”
Kim will move into J&J’s house in Norfolk to complete her final year to receive her RN, closer to Kelly and her program requirements.
...there you have the solution...
Kelly letting go of his home.
Kim coming to terms with living apart from Kelly for weeks at a time.
Jennifer establishing a new home, an hour from the bustle of convenience.
Josh commuting and hour or spending time away from his family, and living a farm life he may never have expected.
Jude starting public school.
Journee dancing her way into a new bedroom.
John carrying boxes and furniture with s tractor.
Kami living the dream of parting with everything she does not want to have in a new home and finding it fun to whittle from a home larger than the garage to a garage larger than a home.
...there you have the transition...

And another- 7 January 2018

I had all but forgotten about my pledge to write weekly in 2017. I fell off of the #nobuy2017 wagon in about May. I just completely forgot what I wasn’t supposed to do. 🙃 But my big purchases were really experiences and books (📚 my nemesis). I did have to buy school clothes, but those were necessary. I am not a professional dressing person. I have no desire to have a wardrobe. I just want to be comfortable, clothed and warm/cool.

I have minimized more. I’ve parted company with stuff that has been stuck back in the closet. I have passed things on (Jennifer wanted the Little House books 😁). And I whittled down the Christmas decorations that held no meaning. I guess if you are going to stay in my home, you better have meaning! There will be more purging as the year passes. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

I have also whittled down debt. I am not completely in the clear, but in a few months bye-bye credit card debt.  I think the biggest challenge now is living within my means. Saving for experiences and reading the books I already own (taking advantage of the beautiful library 📚)!

As far as John, we are in a comfortable place. We have 31 years together and will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary in Mexico. We are so excited. I know that one holiday away will not set the stage for the next 30 years, but it will be an amazing springboard.

Looks what I found! 👀 1/15/2017

Well, 'weekly' appears to be an unwise proclamation.😶

So... two weeks later, I'm doing great. I did make one huge purchase, but I am thinking it will be paid for in 225 days since we use about a gallon of water a day and I buy every gallon of water we drink, and I carry out one empty gallon water jug each day. I never intended to make that a 2017 purchase, but we did not get it ordered before the crazy holiday days. So, since I consider it to be a replacement purchase, I think I'm good.

I am not stressed at all about not buying. I have seen books I'd like, but I know that I have a million... ok, about 2000 to read now. Also, I do get samples sent to my kindle, and if in a year I'm still wanting... 📚

As far as John-time, he has made that difficult as a daily occurrence, but I am trying to be more there when I'm there.  He has begun trucking, which made him gone three nights in the last week and that will happen again this next week. This may become regular. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it, quite honestly. I just pray God brings him home when he's done.

Minimizing- I have done it. Not all is gone, but I whittled down my books, magazines, and paper. If you were to walk into my home, you might laugh at my idea of minimalism. But, I know what it was and what it is. My goal of minimizing finances is getting closer too. I'm not sure how, but I paid 2/3rds of one credit card. Next month with the same amount, I will be able to pay off two, and chunk off of one. 🙀👍🏼 I stepped back into *no sugar* after the slippery Christmas slope, so I'll minimize feeling yucky again, and I've given away the cheese. That sounds funny, but I was eating cheeses because I was tolerating the stuffy nose side effect, but since John is on the Whole 30, I can get away with 🕴🏽🎩🧀✨

Holy Guacamole!

Ok, so I say that a lot-but I found that my other “go-to” saying is Holy Cow, and sonewhere between the beginning of Exodus and the end, holy cows were strictly forbidden. All of that to bring you to this-my intention in 2017  was to write weekly, and I broke that resolution in 6 days!

So here I am 13 months later to update.
#1. I did not make the weekly update.
#2. I did not make it through the year with no purchases.
#3. I continued to minimize even though I did not stop spending $.
#4. I have grown in my love towards my husband.

2017 ended up being quite an amazing year. I traveled a lot to see family. That had to be the best part of my summer. And I also gave up the classes I was pursuing. But that gave me hours to spend with Jesus in prayer and study. I do believe I have come to the time in my life that I’m living to embrace.

Now, here I am 6 weeks into 2018 with only one resolution: Continue to Minimize. So, to continue minimizing, I consider every purchase I’m going to make. If it is in my possession then it best be consumable.
Buy a book, read it.
Buy food, eat it.
Buy clothing, wear it out.
If it serves no purpose, tell it good-bye.

Until next time

1-1-2017 #nobuy2017

I have decided that I will try to UPDATE each Sunday at the end of the day about how the week went for this Year's resolutions: #1 minimizing, #2 aka #nobuy2017, #3 loving up on John, & #4 deeper walk with God. [Ummm, come to find out that #2 was an original idea for me that was duplicated by others unbeknownst to each of us... thus the hashtag, which I would never have thought up to share, but I like it and since I'm the beneficiary of this blog... imma gonna use it.]

#1 minimizing, I have another bag started to donate. I have also discovered another project to consider, "Zero-Waste." This, I know, I will never be able to accomplish, but, I've become aware of the idea. To be mindful of what I buy and the waste it will produce is almost as exciting as #nobuy2017 endeavor.

#2 #nobuy2017, believe it or not, I already had a tempting moment. In the wee hours of 1-1-2017, about three minutes after the ball dropped (figuratively in Nebraska), it crossed my mind to buy a book (probably looking online while John snored through the movie we were "watching" to bring in the new year). Now, 18 hours later, I cannot even tell you the title, or even the subject matter. So, it honestly makes me realize that I am on the right track. No doubt it will probably be a little more difficult as time passes,  considering we are less than 24 hours into the new year 😬, but it will be life changing. I know.

#3 loving up on John This will be as much for me as him. I remember in the early years of our life together it made me feel pretty special to do things for him before he asked. I was eager and there... but he was not as eager to let me, and let go of his bachelor ways and days. So, as the hours, weeks, months and years passed, I was less eager until we reached a tectonic paradigm shift; he wanted the attention, and I had been pushed out of providing it by him. Ironic, actually. I think I will be as reminded of his importance as he is. For starters, I've agreed to go to a Santana concert with him.

#4 deeper walk with God Yep, I spent a better part of the day selecting a verse to mediate on for SSMT 2017 with the LPM Beth Moore ladies (and one gentleman). At last glance, it looked like there were 2500 on board to memorize 24 verses of scripture in 2017 [Siesta Scrpture Memory Team 2017]! How cool is that? I've begun with John 21:21-22. ❤️️ "...You follow Me."

So, there you go. My successful first day 2017. I'm willing 2017 to be a blessing. I'm making a conscious decision to face 2017 with optimism and love. I will follow Jesus with each step. The most difficult part of my school year past, the best is yet to come.

Walking~Walking~Walking into 2017

As I decided to add a new post about walking into a new year, my mind put forth an image. This image has morphed several times in the 5 minutes since my initial thought... I have a niece that walks faithfully, daily. I want to do that too, but I do not live in a climate that is friendly to daily outdoor walking, so I am not sure if I will be successful before I begin. Which in my estimation is a perfect way to fail before I start : / Anyhow, I imagined just walking into the future... like moving forward... not a well painted image. Then I thought of escorting the new year in on my arm... yeah...no. The hype of a new year is so overrated, somehow the drama that plays out over a year is actually encapsulated in a millisecond. Really, like a birthday. What's up with that? One second you are 20 and the next 21. Like, nothing changes in real time. So, the psychological change is what we embrace or battle. In this case, it is the mental embrace or disgrace of the previous year. Consequently, 2016 was a year, in my estimation, to depart and dwell on no more. So, since walking into a new year is typically uneventful, unless you realize you are no longer alone and the companion you acquired is a bear, you best pick it up a bit...

As I am stepping quicker, I can feel my pulse quicken as well. I realize that 2016 is going to pale in comparison to 2017 (I honestly am somewhat afeared to say that as these were the optimistic sentiments I shared with my m-i-l in December of 1989 just before she contracted bacterial meningitis which almost killed her and landed her in the hospital for 6 weeks with heart damage and a blind eye). But, will go ahead and reiterate, 2017 will be incredible. I really really expect it to be so!

So, in lieu of further delay, I'm going to include my resolutions for 2017. Now, I know many, one who may read this even, who hold resolutions in a dirty diaper hold with a nose up, but I have discovered a strength from making a statement and allowing it to form a new habit.
     #1 my ongoing (work in progress) resolution to minimize. There are many who embrace minimizing in a cult like manner. I, on the other hand, just want the excess to go.out.of.my.house. So, I realize that it is virtually impossible for my dream of all I desire being carried in my backpack, I also know that I am closer to that goal since I resolved to minimalize about three years ago. But this minimalization is not restricted to material possessions alone. I have the goal to minimalize my diet (resulting in weight loss) also. And my debt... although this is a little trickier, I think I might be closer than ever this year. Which brings me to my next resolution.
   #2  this one will be a challenge and quite tricky... my goal is to make it an entire year, 365 days, without purchasing anything new. Now, there are some disclaimers since a person cannot live without spending money in the USA (even under a bridge). So, I have made concessions for needs. One-I can buy consumables such as food items and toilet paper, things that are needed to live, but if I have some (soap for example) I have to use it up before I buy new. I'm excited because I'm kinda a freak about buying my favorite vanilla body spray enmasse since my favorites are usually discontinued, but not this year. I'm going to do without if need be. And fuel fits under this category. I cannot drive without fuel... Two-bills. I will pay my bills. On time. As usual. Three-emergency replacement. If my refrigerator goes out (knock on wood-same fridge we bought when we moved to NE!) I can replace it, etc... Four-giving.
  #3  love up on my husband. Yep, I have to make it a resolution since right now he is neglected. I'm simply talking about making a conscious effort to show him he is the most important human being on this earth to me (without saying, "You are the most important human being on this earth to me.")
  #4  dig deeper into the Word. I love God's Word. I'm not sure how deep I can go, but I know however deep I go, God (recently I read a quote, "when I say 'God,' I mean God, Jesus, Holy Spirit-I like that a bunch) will meet me there.  AND pray. This pray thing is the most neglected area of my life (next to John). I pray for people when I am asked, but I do not spend time in deep conversation with God as I want/need. AND scripture memorization.

There you have it.
It like looks like four resolutions, but indeed #1, #3 & #4 are ongoing improvements. But then again, that is what a resolution is, isn't it?
So, knowing none of this can happen in my own power, unabashedly begging and pleading for God's grace in these matters will be called for.

Out with the old year, 2016, and on with the New Year, 2017!

This IS Life...

Why does it seem that during the school year, I can manage things better? Maybe it is because I have no choice but to live it, deal with it, and move on...

I am on summer break, and I am trying to cram all of the relaxed-living in as possible. I guess that is because there is no time to live during the school year. I have seriously wondered about that. It seems incredibly wrong to not have time to "live" during my working life-time.

My last post was about dealing with the loss of my father, well, today I got notice that my uncle passed away... "approximately 1:36 a.m." Doesn't sound very approximate to me. RIP Uncle Danny.

I had three uncles I knew well. Uncle Mel died at the end of 2012. Uncle Allen died 19 September 2013. Uncle Dan died 6-17-2016. Wow... I have a friend that says, "God did not create us to deal with death." I think I need to ask her what she means. I am grieving. These men were the world to me... They were the epitome of male role models. They were God the Father's image. No, not perfect, but in collective form they were kind and loving. They were passers on of godly examples. Between my uncles and my dad, I was so blessed with men of God in my life. Wow-O-Wow!!

                                         Uncle Dan and Forest best friends since their youth.
                                                      Married sisters in December 1950
                                                       UD-dob 4-3-1927 dod 6-17-2016
                                                      FD-dob 4-18-1927 dod 12-25-2015

my.life.sucks

What could there be to say? Christmas Day 2015 my dad died. I still think of him. I was getting ready for church this morning and it popped into my head again... He is gone. No more conversations, ever. I know I'll see him in heaven, but that is not here and now. I don't regret not contacting him more. That is not the point. I called him as much as I could/cared to, but now I cannot even call him at all. I miss my dad. There were times I called just to talk. Kinda like writing on this blog. Nothing that is spectacular, just life. He cared about my life. There are times I wonder if he really did. I think he did. I know he loved me, and my brother, and my sister. Without a doubt. I hope my kids know I love them, even when it looks like I don't get involved. I wonder if they will say to themselves, gee, mom must have really cared... She never called...

So, what am I to do? Just keep thinking things will change when my brain is no longer in the deep freeze of this winter... I feel held captive by the weather.

I know it is not true, but right now, I feel like  my.life.sucks

I'd probably feel better if I ate better
I'd probably feel better if I were warm
I'd probably feel better if I felt better

Why can I not be confident like Samuel?
Why can't I be creative like Jennifer?
Why can't I be sure like Kelly?
Why can't I be kind like John?
What will they say about me when I die?

Family photos...

2009
Washington State
my family

How to stay calm...

I am not freaking out, or am I?
I am not sitting in the middle of the war zone, or am I?
I am not watching my children fight for their lives, or am I?
I am not staring at a blade as I am standing for my faith in Christ, or am I?
I am not aware of the pernicious lie creeping into our borders, or am I?
I am not distracted by petty issues, or am I?

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

The action of typing 'I am not afraid' was the beginning of calming the storm.

Prayer
Trust
Hope

Prayer to God
Trust in God
Hope in God

He IS in control.
If I die, and no one reads my words, He is STILL in control.
If I watch my family suffer, and I cannot stop it from happening, He still IS in control.
If I am taken from my home, to jail, locked in a box, He IS in control.

Suffering happens.
Jesus suffered before us.
Jesus suffers with us.
Jesus will comfort us in our suffering.

They cannot take away what I believe.
They cannot remove from me that which is a part of me.

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.'" 1 Peter 3:14

Attend to your own oxygen 1st

I often contemplate how I spend my thoughts and time. Today my first note was to study scripture, my second to pray, and my third to read scripture. Then, of course, as is the way of the enemy [via sin's snare], I thought, "I am missing my opportunity; I am self-absorbed and self-seeking." As I pondered these personal chastising statements, I realized that those thoughts are not taught by Jesus at all. He stated in Matthew 22:37&38 that we are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind... then in verse 39 we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. Loving the Lord starts exclusively by knowing Him, and knowing Him by reading-praying-studying His Word. 

My thoughts of 'missing my opportunity' are a distraction drawing me away from knowing God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. After I know God I can serve Him by loving others as I love myself. When my first reaction is to jump in to help, I may be jumping over God's plan and into my own agenda. 

I guess the closest modern day analogy is what the flight attendants teach about putting on your own oxygen mask FIRST then you will be able to assist the person next to you. We cannot help others if we ourselves are incapacitated. 

[possibly a topic for an additional post, but while I am here; I question whether the enemy, satan or his minions, is/are truly able to plant doubt-firing thoughts, or if by the fact that we are humans with a sinful human nature until we die, we just have the propensity for evil thoughts based on this nature. Just a thought.]

Giving up StepxStep

I guess it really isn't giving up if you really never shared... I tried, but it's too difficult to maintain both. I have StepxStepxStep.blogspot.com and will keep it for the goodness it holds, but I have decided to add and maintain this particular blog exclusively. Check it out, if you like.

Good Friday

Just another day in paradise.... As I sit inside looking out, I embrace the sun that casts long shadows. The day looks beautiful, but we all know that sun in Nebraska does not guarantee warmth. I just checked and the thermometer reads 49°F. This is nicer than a blizzard, but not nice enough to plan too much for outdoor fun and activities. Ok, I admit, I am a wimp. I like warmer warm (if there is such a thing). I have opted to 'just be' today. I know when the day is done I will mourn the time wasted... But in the wasting, I am not provoked. I just want to embrace the rest and feel the laziness in my bones. Tomorrow I will clean, or grade papers, or wash the laundry, or do any number of other neglected chores... But today, I'm resting. I'm taking mine off the top.

Still Learning!

I just posted an entry that I wrote and chronicled during the summer. Now it is out of order... I am so Sheldon! Blessings to those who really want to see things listed in order and find it is impossible to have it so : /

This IS the first day of the rest of my life!

This is me looking at my desk area wondering what the heck I'm gonna do with all that stuff???

Games... That cart has games to use. Where should I put them?

I am at my desk in school getting geared up for a new year. I am so sure that it will be better than last year! I pray that God will grant me peace and serenity during the year. 

StepxStep

I am in a total panic... ok, a total panic is a bit melodramatic, but the wiggle and quiver inside my bones says to me that there is something brewing deep within my soul, and God is not revealing it to me in a giant rush. I am seeing there are things that are going together, like the crumbs Hansel and Gretel left along the path, but I am not able to connect them yet... I have been led to Step into my Shoes with Compassion International... I have my own ministry I call StepxStep that God opened to my heart in June of 2012. I know He is calling me to "Read" and to "Learn" and to "Preach"... those words EXACTLY! but (yes, my big 'but' is getting in the way) I do not know how to assemble what I have and where to go from here. I have read a book called REVOLUTION IN WORLD MISSIONS by K. P. Yohannan, excellent book. I am trying to assemble my thoughts, my Bible, my journalling. I want to begin a web site for the ministry, and somehow register it as an official ministry, but I do not know where to turn. I am not willing to compromise, as I feel the Methodist Church calls me to, but I want to keep teaching Sunday school and leading Bible studies. I also am a public school teacher and that gets in my way too, but I believe that God has called me to stick with it because it will be how my ministry is financed. Oh Father help me to follow yYou where You call me to fo and to do as you ask me to do, I am a wreck and I am not sure where to turn right at this momwnt, The above prayer, typed as I bowed my head, indicates that I have no typing skills without looking at my fingers. That too is how I view my ministry. I have no ministry without calling on other preachers (specifically my MacArthur Study Bible). I trust my LORD with all of my heart and soul and mind. I know He will lead me to the right words when it is necessary. I am not the best teacher, parent, facilitator, Christian, but I don't see others getting out there to do it. I AM, however, obedient, in LOVE, and willing to stepxstep... Thank you for sending Jenn's plea at the perfect moment!

Pulling Pulling in my Heart...

I am not sure what in the heck is going on. My mind and my heart are feeling stretched and pulled out of a comfortable place. I feel like I need to scream but I'm not sure why! Groaning is the feeling I am feeling deep deeep deeeep within my being... I wish I had someone to share it with. It is like I am needing to pull my blanket deep around my shoulders and block out the world and the outside. I am not understanding what it all means.

Talk, Talk, Talk...

I am in the mood to just talk my head off... not to anyone in particular, just talk. Blah.blah.blah. I have been getting ready to return to work. That takes a lot of thought, considering I have been on a brain-cation since May 2014. I think it began on May 27th, but I could be wrong, I do tend to forget dates, days & years... I am really stalled out right now, though... I was doing the "PlANK" (which I mentioned in an earlier post) and I messed up my back. I messed it up bad enough to put myself out of commission for three days. Three days is an eternity when you are preparing to return to school the day after you fly back from vacation. Which, by the way, begins on Thursday (flight out at 6:40 a.m.) and today is Monday and you need to: #1 see the chiropractor to have him reassemble your frame #2 clean the house because food is growing hair and you stepped on nuggets you cannot reach because your back is out and you can't lift the vacuum to sweep because your back is out, and you can't push the vacuum because your back is out... #3 wash clothing because, although those machines in the airport can see through your clothing, you still need to be wearing clothing to protect the innocent and walk through the airport without too much laughing, and to maintain what dignity I did not lose gimping around #4 lead Bible study (and finish it up) #5 do the dishes; o.k., so the dish washer washes the dishes, but the momma loads the dish washer... nuff said #6 pack #7-#? will come to me : ) #7 do more work in my classroom including but limited to: storing games, storing boxes, making schedules, planning for teaching, hanging posters #8

Day one: PLANK

I did the plank this morning day one of the challenge and my back is aching. I may have pushed by trying to do two twenty second holds... Really, twenty, that is two-oh, 2-0! seconds! Oh my I am a toad! %/

Snow day followed by weekend followed by a Sick day

The early out on Thursday followed by a late-start-turned-to-no-school was a blessing. The sun came out and it was beautiful, but as I stepped into the snow, it was 5-6 inches of wet and heavy moisure laden blessings. Nope, the most I got on my 'snow-day' list done was carrying the potting soil into the house to warm it up.{: ) Then today, I am so glad I took the day to go to the doctor. I have never done this before... I have called in, but this was different. Oh, I was/am sick... got the pokey-hole in my hip to prove it, not that I'd show the powers that be... I just really needed to rest and try to keep from coughing. Well, I have an occasional cough, but my chest sure is tight. Even so, I sound a lot better than John and I am thinking my vitamins will keep the worst of it at bay. School tomorrow with the doctor suggesting covered coughs and sanitizer... I think I will stick to the soapy water. This weekend Sunday school was smaller than usual with illness and cattle work, but the discussion was good. I am blessed each time I go, even if I do come away frustrated at times at the speed in which we travel. I understand that it is important to discuss it. We are all new to this and we want to be pleasing the Lord with our thoughts and discussions. We have finished with Colossians 2:5. We are almost on Unit 3 or 4 where we will move into the importance of the church's role in the kingdom. So far it has been about the absolute justifiable position of Jesus. I am not sure if I will continue to teach. I have reached a snaggle... I know if the Lord calls me I will, but I don't know if that is what will happen. With a lovely life to lead, blessings abound. I am blessed to be a child of God and an heir with Jesus, my savior. Amen

Seriously?

Fooled you, I am all but serious today. I have gone over the wacky edge of reason and decided that today is the best day ever. Why? believe it or not, for no reason... Well, actually, it is because: I hope there is a snow day on Monday (big snow Sunday); It is Friday night and I don't have to work tomorrow; I am getting ready to have company over so I'm anticipating great conversation; As far as I know my family is healthy; last but never least, Jesus is the love of my life. I am so exctied to know Him. Did you know that when you give it all to Him, He takes it? Did you know that in the midst of life, good and bad, He loves you? Did you know that no matter what, you will be with Him because He died to save you and you accepted His gift? Did you know that He is faithful and no matter what you think He is constant and cares? With all of this incredible knowledge, how can I help but be giddy??? : ) I gotta go, but in a short while I have a story to share. It is pretty incredible. God is so good... faithful.... loving..... Praise Him Praise Him, all ye little children!!

Colossians~ss day three on this book

FrUsTrAtIoN!!! Ok, I know that I have no room to be frustrated. Ok, I know that God gave me this job. Ok, I know that I need to quit thinking it is mine. Ok, Ok, Ok, OK!! Now that I got all that out, just short of a scream... Heavenly Father, how do you keep from losing your mind. I have gobbled up this book. I have consumed it verse by verse and I am feeling like a race horse in the starting gate and I cannot go. I cannot get anyone to race with me. I am exploding inside! Why are they so slow to get out of the stable? Why are they so slow? Oh oH oh ooohhh, they are still on milk... oh, Father, forgive me... I am about to explode and they are not beyond the crawling stage, supping on m.i.l.k! Today I thought (I planned) that we should finish chapter 1 and on to chapter 2. Next week will be week #4 and we are on QUESTION 4 - of the introduction - chapter 1 - in the study book. We have not even begun to tackle the verses... But we did actually read the entire book of Colossians, because I know that there are those who had not even done that (it is so hard to believe that), but we read person by person and out of different translations... so that is progress. "Why are you in such a hurry?" says God. Yes, why, why, why??? I guess because I know what beauty it holds. I know how wonderful it is, like a chocolate that is too good to hold in your mouth, but to gobble down looking for the second one to savor! God's word, words to live by, words that I can hardly contain within my heart, within my soul! Ok, I get it, I get that it IS Your word and few of these beautiful people have ever been in a study that requires them to grow in a way that will capitalize on Jesus and His Grace and His goodness. All about You Dear Jesus! I guess in my anticipation of time drawing rapidly to a close, I want to know they are prepared, "And I don't?" Forgive me Dear God. I am running willy nilly. Oh forgive me! Keep me within Your boundaries. Keep me with my eyes on you, keep me...keep me...keep me~

Welcome to you Beth!

I have invited a friend, Beth, to follow my silly-ness!! Welcome to the journee... Beth, I have to say I am not as prompt about adding information to this blog as I would like, but I will try to do better. I know you are interested in my life and what we are studying. I will do my best to keep it up. I am excited for you to make comments. I have only told Jennifer about this site, so you and I are pretty much the only ones to trek in this territory. [My mind pictures a vast wilderness depicting my thoughts...empty-ness...sheer nothing-ness : )]It is not often a territory of pictures, but I did add one of Jenn and Josh as they were heading to their honeymoon. Aren't they an attractive couple? It would really be good if I at least got my immediate family on here. And, I have never once mentioned the newest addition to our family tree, little fruit Jude. Anyhow, WELCOME!

where am i? the original that I did not know I had...

I wonder where I am everyday. That is kind of a miss statement. I know where I am, I'm in Nebraska, at home on the farm, I'm in my chair or at school or in my car... So, maybe the real question is not where but how am I? My question is always about where I stand in my faith, but I know where that is. I am in love with Jesus. There is no other. So really, the... Well, that was it. Eventhough I did not complete this, I did pretty good remembering my train of thought.

where am I?

I started this post earlier, but had trouble as I was doing it on my phone and there are times that my phone will not cooperate. I might need to edit something I wrote and I tap the screen and then the cursor jumps all over the place. Drives me crazy. I suppose I should have posted then edited here, but it seemed like too much work so now I need to remember where I am and what I was talking about... haha well really the question is not so much where but who or why or how... I really think I think about where I am in the Lord... I love Him with more of my being than I know I have. He is so good to me when I just don't deserve it. I realize that I try to stay on top of things but I fall so short. I guess I just need to remember that He does it, it is Him Him Him all the way, I am simply willing. So I guess that is where I am, I am standing in the presence of God the Father a broken pot, but none the less a willing vessel. He is within me holding what needs to be held since when I accepted Him He filled my spirit with His OWN Spirit! Oh my goodness, can you just imagine? Can you grasp how incredible that is? He, the Creator of the universe, is within me, within tiny nothing me!!! I am so very unworthy, yet I just don't know what or how to be anything else? I guess it is good He loves this cracked pot...

book list

Hmmm, an empty book list, this can't be good!!!

What seems natural

~It seems natural to me to talk about God* ~It seems natural to me to talk about how I feel about Jesus* ~It seems natural to study until my brains are squeezed* ~It seems natural to love my kids more than life itself* ~It seems natural to read rather than work on my home, job, life...yikes* ~It seems natural to want chocolate* ~It seems natural to lack confidence about myself* ~It seems natural to obsess about some things* ~It seems natural to ponder being swallowed alive by the Holy Spirit* ~It seems natural to have funny dreams* ~It seems natural to drive* ~It seems natural to want to sleep all day* ~It seems natural to smile*

Changes

I am off fb... who ever thought?!!! I am out of school in 5 days... amazing! I am dedicating my summer to learning more about Jesus and what God tells us in His word. I am anticipating a life altering summer! My baby - 4Runner - is not feeling very well. My sweetheart has found me a new car - new baby - 4Runner - My baby - Jennifer - has graduated: May 5, 2012! ... the baby comes August My baby - Kelly - will graduate: August 10, 2012! Amazing! There is no way to explain how quick I feel about what is happening. Just so much in such a short time.

Resolutions 2012

1) Serve God not man
2) let it go
3) live every day with fervor and intention (purpose)
4) build my relationship with John
5) continue to minimize

The New Year

You'd think as I approached my 50th birthday, this 49th year of my life, I would know all about everything... At least that is what I thought about my parents at this time in their lives. Boy, I wonder if they had me bamboozled or if they really knew...

I have figured out some things that I thought would never click. #1 I have got it mastered how to walk for exercise. I am a movie lover and if I watch a movie I have never seen, and only allow myself to watch when I walk, MOTIVATION!!! #2 I have learned how to get out of school at a reasonable time. I still have things to do that I need to do following school, but for the most part I get to leave when the 4:00 bell rings. #3 I don't freak out too much before school. I really have got a handle on how to teach. I don't panic when I am preparing. Panicking made me feel bad and was generally unproductive. I wanted to be the best teacher ever, but maybe I will just settle for being ok, making sure the kids love me just as I am and for accepting them for who they are and teaching them what I can in the meantime.

I have yet to figure out how to be the me I want to be ALL the time. I want to go to work in the morning and feel good about what I am doing, I want to sleep at night knowing that I did o.k. I want to be content. I am not quite sure I can figure out how to be true to Jesus and myself 24-7. I find at times that it will hit me after work or after several hours or a day or so that I did not even consider Him in my day. Maybe that is because I am listening to God all the time and doing what He says and acting how He directs... o.k., I am not, I am simply being a human and living a human life. It is demanding to focus on God 24-7, but that is what I want. That is what I was called to do. I just need to learn how to teach in a public school and to live in a secular society and live according to His ways and His plans and His calling.

I bet if I start my day in prayer and study... I know I have been called to do that and I have turned my back on God since He started to tell me that the best time would be in the morning. I just need to surrender my body to Him, to give up my desire to sleep in and rest my physical self. Oh how much of a blessing it would be!! I know it would be. I know it would be...sleep is not what it is cracked up to be. Well, for me it is because I am foggy headed when I am tired. Thyroid!! I just need to study in the p.m. or a.m. I think I will try in the p.m. and see how that works. Of course I will not know if a.m. is better, cuz if p.m. works, I will definitely NOT try a.m. : )

categorize and compartmentalize

I have little slots in my brain. At one time there was a booklet that I got where the author used an analogy of a house for a person's heart/life. We put different things in different rooms in our hearts. Jesus wants access to all of the rooms... can you give Him that?

Well, I too am a person that categorizes my stuff. EVERYTING! I have a place for it all, order... I remember when I was a child I did that too. I organized the house. I could not stand clutter. I still cannot.

But what I want now is to simplify and declutter my home and heart. I want to minimize our stuff. John did me a great service by paying my debt. He paid what he did not owe to save me from being bound by the debt I struggled to pay. I have to constantly remember that I do not have the money or means to be overly generous. In fact, I want to whittle my stuff/our belongings to just what we need to live and survive. Sounds kinda sad-but also liberating, but what more does a person really need? A roof, a means by which to maintain that roof, and food (and this person needs food for the mind: )[I am sure, if you guys are reading this now, you are gagging on my food for the mind]. I also need to do this with my heart. I really need to think of it in the same way. What do I really really need in my mind? ~God's word...love for family and friends, passion for my husband (which I am learning about), a willing spirit to have the words to give my all to Him. A way to give it all away, even unto death (yikes)~

Passion for the One who gave His life for me.......

I have lived all over this beautiful land called the United States. I was blessed with parents who had an adventerous spirit. I am thankful to them for not fearing the move or the unknown. Although I was teetered and tottered all over the place, and my home life was peculiar, (another post) I am grateful for all of what I was blessed with: my lovely family, my vivacious aunts and uncles, my cousins and nieces, nephews and friends...ok, I really don't have lots of friends, but I know a lot of folks from all over the place. I just have decided that I don't need to cling to them to maintain who I am. But, I am afraid I am losing my rich identity from all of the experiences I have had before moving to Nebraska. People here just don't seem to have a passion for Jesus, an understanding that life is not just so. I am so consumed by Him that I ache. I just don't have a way to project it. I don't have a platform. I think people think I am batty. I think people think that I am too passionate about Him making me snobby. I don't understand how a person cannot be head over heals in love with Him considering all He has done for them/me. I feel like I want to absorb Him, His word, His worship, All of Him, but I cannot. I am restrained by time, by sleep, by activities, by work, by pastimes, by secular life, by time wasters, by everything that gets in the way...bound by the devil to keep me from growing - to keep me out of touch, a sinister, evil battle...

I feel like I am dying inside. The musty, dark, dungeon smell eminating from within me. It has been a long time since I have had joy in my heart. I want the bubbly joy to come, not the fear of being silly or the frown of being serious. I love love love to be around the kids. That is the confidence I want to carry in my heart all the time.

Wish~washey~ but very much Thankful!!

Looking at my last post and the one before...jeez, you'd think that I was flaky...oh, yeah, I am : )

John and I just spent one wonderful Thanksgiving in Lincoln with our children. I know Jennifer wanted to have the celebration at her house, but Kelly was consistently available, so we had dinner at her house on Wed night and Thanksgiving at his house on Thursday.

Then we got up at 3:30 A.M. to face the shopping crowds on Black Friday... CRAZY... I know if we had been studying the ads we may have found many deals, but we are novices. Will we do it again? Hmmm, good question. I really did not enjoy the after-shopping-hangover-feeling!!

After we got back to Norfolk, John bought a chair, for him, I know I was confusing to him. One minute I was scoffing his shopping in SEARS for tools (I know he has what he bought, well, not the metrics, but all the others, just loose about the farm,I also know that if he could find the time to be organized, he might be able to get them all into one place [but now theyu are in one place because of the case...]) But, I really do love him for who he is, his wonderful, loving, try-to-do-the-right-thing, self!!

Well, now I am home, alone, wasting my time. I am online shopping for Maverick and the rest of my family. I really don't want to go out and shop, I just don't know why. I know that I need to pay off my bills. I know I need to get a handle on my $!!!Yikes, I keep thinking that I can pop $500 a month, but now I am in three or four boats trying to sail them all. I really hate that about myself thinking that I am rich and spending like I am rich but I am not, I owe enough to make me poor!!

Well, happy thanksgiving to me and my family and I am really pleased to have had the opportunity to be with my kids, but pretty soon, I will have to let go and just gather it all up to myself again.

Am I where I am supposed to be?

I have recently been wondering if I am supposed to stick with teaching and what I am doing. I remember thinking once about what my favorite past time is, I love to read. I love books. I wanted to do what I love most. Then it dawned on me that I love working with children. I love working with all children. I am a firm believer that all children really want to do as asked. I just have to learn how to work with the students I teach in a way different than other children. It is so important to listen to the kids. Listening to them will teach me how to help them learn. We do play games, we do take our time, but we are making progress at a speed that is appropriate for them, not just me or the curriculum. If they could keep up, they would not need me! I am where I need to be. I am helping "The least of these..." I also know that they just need to be loved and shown that no matter what they are important. I am not the most patient person in the world, but I try. I try to do my best to listen to their frustrations. I try to read their progress. I try to recognize how to adjust what I do to meet them where they are and continually take them a step farther. I do get tired, but I seldom get tired of 'my kids'... my tired comes from my body and trying to learn how to treat myself in a way that I don't get tired of others.

this is what life was meant to be!!!

I cannot believe how wonderful teaching and home and life is right now. Of course I have other stuff I want to do, but in time I get to do it all. Wow!! I am so very blessed. I pray it will remain this way forever!!!

Amazing Life

I have been watching this site for a while from my phone, but found I could not add a new post. I read the old posts and was amazed at my own insight. I really think that writing down thoughts and feelings makes sense to me...it helps me to sort out my life and remember where I have been.

I really think that God is amazing in the fact that He has honored me and allowed me to live the life that I have. I know that much of my life has been spent sorting out the trash from treasure and I think I am living in the treasure part at this time.

I came home today and read. I read the last two chapters of my book. I did not need to stay after school to work with students. I am all but caught up on my grading. I have a few things to do, but this year I get to live my life. I am not all consumed by my job. My job; John says do what I get paid to do So, I do and I also have time to live, last year, not so much.

I recently posed the question, "Do we have the right to live our lives for ourselves or are we obligated to serve Jesus?" I honestly believe that not all are called to serve, but I feel it very strongly. I believe I am to serve in any way I can. Now, the trick is to find the way that I can be of the most service to Jesus. I am willing to sacrifice, but I am not like a good friend and make food and invite others and give of myself. So while I feel called to serve, I also know that I have limits. Hmmm, are we allowed to have limits?

I read in a news article (like Ann Landers) If you did it over again, would you have children? The people who said yes willingly gave some type of identifying information while the people who said no with held their info... interesting. I personally would have, knowing what I know now, had as many children as my body would allow. I would have started at 18 and had bunches. I wonder if I am to foster or adopt. My heart says yes///no, my mind says no///yes...I am completely confused, so I do nothing, I do nothing, I do nothing...

recurrence but moving on

After the trip to Connecticut and the wedding, I planned a trip to Wisconsin following my scan. I went to the doctor on Friday, July 29. I was so sure that the scan would be clear, that I planned to leave Saturday morning. John suggested that I leave on Friday after the scan, but for a reason I cannot explain, I decided not to. Knowing that I would not get any information about my scan because the doctor left the office at noon and my scan was at 11:00, I knew that I had time to prepare for my trip. At 5:00 p.m. Dr. Zahra called and stated that there was something "questionable" on the scan. That really rocked my world. I spent all of Saturday brooding and stewing about what was on the scan. I had questions, but no way to ask them. I did research, and decided that something questionable had to be cancer. It could not be thyroid since my thyroid was gone, so the only thing left would be thyroid cancer...well, the MRI stated that there was nothing to remove with surgery, but I did in fact need to have a second treatment. on Tuesday, the doctor confirmed cancer recurrence. I was able to get a treatment on Wednesday, August 3, 2011. The following week I had school meetings to participate in. School, with students, started on the 17th of August. Here it is September 5, and I am still exhausted and unable to function to capacity. I was off my meds from July 8 through August 9. I have been back on for almost a month and I am beside myself with frustration.

I am learning that I need to sleep regularly, bed time not past 10:00. I cannot eat deep fried foods any longer, and I need to eat lots of vegetables and fruit and whole grains. I am thinking that it will take me a while more to gain my stamina. Makes me sad, actually. I really would like just to have an instant boost. I wonder if my miracle will happen tomorrow?

Jennifer is married...

to Josh...7-7-2011
I knew this day would come, but now that it has come and gone it is somewhat bittersweet. I love my daughter so very much. I am pleased that she found her guy. I will pray they follow Jesus all the days of their lives. I pray that they will recognize the importance of God's direction.

Now that it is done, I guess I expected a bit of a change, although I don't know why. I did raise her to be completely independent. She is...

va.ca.shun

Went to Lincoln to help Jennifer prepare for the wedding- shopped for a dress +
Participated in a science curriculum meeting +
Went to help Dad and Jan- shopped for a dress+
Met JoAnn in AZ and toured the state+
Participated in 2 para interviews+
Shopped for a dress +
Painted Jennifer's room +
Planned, prepared, and executed the bridal shower +
Went to Connecticut- shopped & located a dress +
Flew into Omaha; 11:30 p.m.+
Hit the ground running Wednesday +
Decorated and dressed and participated in the most romantic wedding of all time +
Got Ali to the airport+
Drove home +
Caught up on homemaking +
Have Sam, Becky, and Maverick Here to visit +
t&s to eat tomorrow night +
Monday s,b,m heading out +
Possibly interviewing +
Dentist +
Va.ca.shun +

Underway...

I don't know when my last post was, but I am sure it was before vacation started. I don't really know how long I have been out of school, but I had to go in and work today... had to take my vacation mind out of neutral and engage the gears. Tough to do. I am not at all ready to even think about being in school. If it burned down right now, I would not even care...that is how far removed I am from work right now. If I were to think about it for long, I know I would care, but right now, no.

Wedding, shower, vacation...that is where my mind is. I just returned on Sunday (today is Thursday) fron 20 days gone. I was jsut starting to feel like I could get into my quiet place with my savior, and then here, time to rush to ready for the shower, wedding, and trip to CT. But, all is well since I am giving myself time to do it all. I have done most of what I needed, besides shop, for the shower. It will be good. shop on Friday and Saturday, Father's day on Sunday, paint on Monday and Tuesday, clean on Wednesday, Thursday, food shop on Friday, final prep on Saturday a.m. and shower at 1:00. Then I can rest rest rest up for trip on Wednesday the 29th. hmmm, back on 5th, Lincoln on 6th, wedding on 7th, Ali out on 8th, thyroid scan during the next week (18th?) rest rest rest trip to Rochester then Cottage then home for school. yep yep yep, I'm booked. [Rereading what I wrote... and maybe I recorded what happened late in July or early in August, I do not know... I do know that I had a recurrence of cancer. I had to have a second treatment. I had to give it all up once again. Now, October 2014, I am hear to reread and to assemble the pieces from that time. : )]

Depression.

http://www.angelamaiers.com/

Living in Nebraska

It is another winter day in Nebraska. Just as snowy today as ever... but that seems to be the norm for our home. We moved here in 1995 and have experienced many different types of weather at many different times of the year. The teachers seemed surprised when I said that I could not remember year to year weather history. I really cannot recall what the weather was the year before. I know we had snow days at Thanksgiving, but the only thing I can recall about that one was Jenn and Kelly being home, and that the living room was in the garage, and cooking on the wood stove because there was no power. That dates that snow storm at 2005 since Jennifer graduated in 2006 and was in Lincoln at Thanksgiving time in 2006. I really just don't care. I know I have written about it in my journal, I guess all the days of my life are recorded someplace... on paper or now on this blog. Is that crazy? To start a blog that others can see, and spill my guts? I guess I really don't care if I am talking to someone or no one but me.

I have come to decide that I want to make our home and farm a sanctuary/fortress. I really love our home. I love it more and more each day. I really dread leaving it everyday, but I also dread staying here for days on end. I guess I am just mixed up. I am just learning that I am in charge of my destiny. I can do as I wish and I, and I alone, am obligated to change it. That causes havoc with my belief in Jesus. I have always felt that I am obligated to submit to others as I am to be the subordinate. Hm!

Well, once again, welcome to my thoughts and my journee. I know that journey is spelled journey, but I have seen it spelled for a person's name with two ees, and I am compelled to be different and my journee is different too. I love my life and I hate it. I love what is happening to me and I dread it. I love how my children are growing up and moving on. I don't hate it, I just know that one day my life will be done and I hope that I have been to them and given them what they need to be well rounded adults. It is strange to think that they came from me and they are going on to make a life apart from me. a Miracle I confess... praise Jesus for His grace to make a baby and raise the baby up times three... I love you Samuel, Jennifer and Kelly!!

to live by

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

-St. Paul"

The day to start a blog~day number two of a snow day vacation...

How does a person manage to not waste every day of their lives? I have such noble intentions when I wake in the morning, then bam! the day is over and it's time to think about tomorrow. I really hope that having this blog will help me be a better person and better manager of my time! I am afraid that it will just encourage me to spend more time procrastinating and less time doing... isn't that what it's all about? at least for me it is, wasting time planning and never get to the doing. If there were one thing I could change about me, that might be it. I better go think about that... I bet if I spent too much time thinking it over, I'd find many, many more things to wish to change. Until next time, k