categorize and compartmentalize

I have little slots in my brain. At one time there was a booklet that I got where the author used an analogy of a house for a person's heart/life. We put different things in different rooms in our hearts. Jesus wants access to all of the rooms... can you give Him that?

Well, I too am a person that categorizes my stuff. EVERYTING! I have a place for it all, order... I remember when I was a child I did that too. I organized the house. I could not stand clutter. I still cannot.

But what I want now is to simplify and declutter my home and heart. I want to minimize our stuff. John did me a great service by paying my debt. He paid what he did not owe to save me from being bound by the debt I struggled to pay. I have to constantly remember that I do not have the money or means to be overly generous. In fact, I want to whittle my stuff/our belongings to just what we need to live and survive. Sounds kinda sad-but also liberating, but what more does a person really need? A roof, a means by which to maintain that roof, and food (and this person needs food for the mind: )[I am sure, if you guys are reading this now, you are gagging on my food for the mind]. I also need to do this with my heart. I really need to think of it in the same way. What do I really really need in my mind? ~God's word...love for family and friends, passion for my husband (which I am learning about), a willing spirit to have the words to give my all to Him. A way to give it all away, even unto death (yikes)~

Passion for the One who gave His life for me.......

I have lived all over this beautiful land called the United States. I was blessed with parents who had an adventerous spirit. I am thankful to them for not fearing the move or the unknown. Although I was teetered and tottered all over the place, and my home life was peculiar, (another post) I am grateful for all of what I was blessed with: my lovely family, my vivacious aunts and uncles, my cousins and nieces, nephews and friends...ok, I really don't have lots of friends, but I know a lot of folks from all over the place. I just have decided that I don't need to cling to them to maintain who I am. But, I am afraid I am losing my rich identity from all of the experiences I have had before moving to Nebraska. People here just don't seem to have a passion for Jesus, an understanding that life is not just so. I am so consumed by Him that I ache. I just don't have a way to project it. I don't have a platform. I think people think I am batty. I think people think that I am too passionate about Him making me snobby. I don't understand how a person cannot be head over heals in love with Him considering all He has done for them/me. I feel like I want to absorb Him, His word, His worship, All of Him, but I cannot. I am restrained by time, by sleep, by activities, by work, by pastimes, by secular life, by time wasters, by everything that gets in the way...bound by the devil to keep me from growing - to keep me out of touch, a sinister, evil battle...

I feel like I am dying inside. The musty, dark, dungeon smell eminating from within me. It has been a long time since I have had joy in my heart. I want the bubbly joy to come, not the fear of being silly or the frown of being serious. I love love love to be around the kids. That is the confidence I want to carry in my heart all the time.

Wish~washey~ but very much Thankful!!

Looking at my last post and the one before...jeez, you'd think that I was flaky...oh, yeah, I am : )

John and I just spent one wonderful Thanksgiving in Lincoln with our children. I know Jennifer wanted to have the celebration at her house, but Kelly was consistently available, so we had dinner at her house on Wed night and Thanksgiving at his house on Thursday.

Then we got up at 3:30 A.M. to face the shopping crowds on Black Friday... CRAZY... I know if we had been studying the ads we may have found many deals, but we are novices. Will we do it again? Hmmm, good question. I really did not enjoy the after-shopping-hangover-feeling!!

After we got back to Norfolk, John bought a chair, for him, I know I was confusing to him. One minute I was scoffing his shopping in SEARS for tools (I know he has what he bought, well, not the metrics, but all the others, just loose about the farm,I also know that if he could find the time to be organized, he might be able to get them all into one place [but now theyu are in one place because of the case...]) But, I really do love him for who he is, his wonderful, loving, try-to-do-the-right-thing, self!!

Well, now I am home, alone, wasting my time. I am online shopping for Maverick and the rest of my family. I really don't want to go out and shop, I just don't know why. I know that I need to pay off my bills. I know I need to get a handle on my $!!!Yikes, I keep thinking that I can pop $500 a month, but now I am in three or four boats trying to sail them all. I really hate that about myself thinking that I am rich and spending like I am rich but I am not, I owe enough to make me poor!!

Well, happy thanksgiving to me and my family and I am really pleased to have had the opportunity to be with my kids, but pretty soon, I will have to let go and just gather it all up to myself again.

Am I where I am supposed to be?

I have recently been wondering if I am supposed to stick with teaching and what I am doing. I remember thinking once about what my favorite past time is, I love to read. I love books. I wanted to do what I love most. Then it dawned on me that I love working with children. I love working with all children. I am a firm believer that all children really want to do as asked. I just have to learn how to work with the students I teach in a way different than other children. It is so important to listen to the kids. Listening to them will teach me how to help them learn. We do play games, we do take our time, but we are making progress at a speed that is appropriate for them, not just me or the curriculum. If they could keep up, they would not need me! I am where I need to be. I am helping "The least of these..." I also know that they just need to be loved and shown that no matter what they are important. I am not the most patient person in the world, but I try. I try to do my best to listen to their frustrations. I try to read their progress. I try to recognize how to adjust what I do to meet them where they are and continually take them a step farther. I do get tired, but I seldom get tired of 'my kids'... my tired comes from my body and trying to learn how to treat myself in a way that I don't get tired of others.

this is what life was meant to be!!!

I cannot believe how wonderful teaching and home and life is right now. Of course I have other stuff I want to do, but in time I get to do it all. Wow!! I am so very blessed. I pray it will remain this way forever!!!

Amazing Life

I have been watching this site for a while from my phone, but found I could not add a new post. I read the old posts and was amazed at my own insight. I really think that writing down thoughts and feelings makes sense to me...it helps me to sort out my life and remember where I have been.

I really think that God is amazing in the fact that He has honored me and allowed me to live the life that I have. I know that much of my life has been spent sorting out the trash from treasure and I think I am living in the treasure part at this time.

I came home today and read. I read the last two chapters of my book. I did not need to stay after school to work with students. I am all but caught up on my grading. I have a few things to do, but this year I get to live my life. I am not all consumed by my job. My job; John says do what I get paid to do So, I do and I also have time to live, last year, not so much.

I recently posed the question, "Do we have the right to live our lives for ourselves or are we obligated to serve Jesus?" I honestly believe that not all are called to serve, but I feel it very strongly. I believe I am to serve in any way I can. Now, the trick is to find the way that I can be of the most service to Jesus. I am willing to sacrifice, but I am not like a good friend and make food and invite others and give of myself. So while I feel called to serve, I also know that I have limits. Hmmm, are we allowed to have limits?

I read in a news article (like Ann Landers) If you did it over again, would you have children? The people who said yes willingly gave some type of identifying information while the people who said no with held their info... interesting. I personally would have, knowing what I know now, had as many children as my body would allow. I would have started at 18 and had bunches. I wonder if I am to foster or adopt. My heart says yes///no, my mind says no///yes...I am completely confused, so I do nothing, I do nothing, I do nothing...

recurrence but moving on

After the trip to Connecticut and the wedding, I planned a trip to Wisconsin following my scan. I went to the doctor on Friday, July 29. I was so sure that the scan would be clear, that I planned to leave Saturday morning. John suggested that I leave on Friday after the scan, but for a reason I cannot explain, I decided not to. Knowing that I would not get any information about my scan because the doctor left the office at noon and my scan was at 11:00, I knew that I had time to prepare for my trip. At 5:00 p.m. Dr. Zahra called and stated that there was something "questionable" on the scan. That really rocked my world. I spent all of Saturday brooding and stewing about what was on the scan. I had questions, but no way to ask them. I did research, and decided that something questionable had to be cancer. It could not be thyroid since my thyroid was gone, so the only thing left would be thyroid cancer...well, the MRI stated that there was nothing to remove with surgery, but I did in fact need to have a second treatment. on Tuesday, the doctor confirmed cancer recurrence. I was able to get a treatment on Wednesday, August 3, 2011. The following week I had school meetings to participate in. School, with students, started on the 17th of August. Here it is September 5, and I am still exhausted and unable to function to capacity. I was off my meds from July 8 through August 9. I have been back on for almost a month and I am beside myself with frustration.

I am learning that I need to sleep regularly, bed time not past 10:00. I cannot eat deep fried foods any longer, and I need to eat lots of vegetables and fruit and whole grains. I am thinking that it will take me a while more to gain my stamina. Makes me sad, actually. I really would like just to have an instant boost. I wonder if my miracle will happen tomorrow?

Jennifer is married...

to Josh...7-7-2011
I knew this day would come, but now that it has come and gone it is somewhat bittersweet. I love my daughter so very much. I am pleased that she found her guy. I will pray they follow Jesus all the days of their lives. I pray that they will recognize the importance of God's direction.

Now that it is done, I guess I expected a bit of a change, although I don't know why. I did raise her to be completely independent. She is...

va.ca.shun

Went to Lincoln to help Jennifer prepare for the wedding- shopped for a dress +
Participated in a science curriculum meeting +
Went to help Dad and Jan- shopped for a dress+
Met JoAnn in AZ and toured the state+
Participated in 2 para interviews+
Shopped for a dress +
Painted Jennifer's room +
Planned, prepared, and executed the bridal shower +
Went to Connecticut- shopped & located a dress +
Flew into Omaha; 11:30 p.m.+
Hit the ground running Wednesday +
Decorated and dressed and participated in the most romantic wedding of all time +
Got Ali to the airport+
Drove home +
Caught up on homemaking +
Have Sam, Becky, and Maverick Here to visit +
t&s to eat tomorrow night +
Monday s,b,m heading out +
Possibly interviewing +
Dentist +
Va.ca.shun +

Underway...

I don't know when my last post was, but I am sure it was before vacation started. I don't really know how long I have been out of school, but I had to go in and work today... had to take my vacation mind out of neutral and engage the gears. Tough to do. I am not at all ready to even think about being in school. If it burned down right now, I would not even care...that is how far removed I am from work right now. If I were to think about it for long, I know I would care, but right now, no.

Wedding, shower, vacation...that is where my mind is. I just returned on Sunday (today is Thursday) fron 20 days gone. I was jsut starting to feel like I could get into my quiet place with my savior, and then here, time to rush to ready for the shower, wedding, and trip to CT. But, all is well since I am giving myself time to do it all. I have done most of what I needed, besides shop, for the shower. It will be good. shop on Friday and Saturday, Father's day on Sunday, paint on Monday and Tuesday, clean on Wednesday, Thursday, food shop on Friday, final prep on Saturday a.m. and shower at 1:00. Then I can rest rest rest up for trip on Wednesday the 29th. hmmm, back on 5th, Lincoln on 6th, wedding on 7th, Ali out on 8th, thyroid scan during the next week (18th?) rest rest rest trip to Rochester then Cottage then home for school. yep yep yep, I'm booked. [Rereading what I wrote... and maybe I recorded what happened late in July or early in August, I do not know... I do know that I had a recurrence of cancer. I had to have a second treatment. I had to give it all up once again. Now, October 2014, I am hear to reread and to assemble the pieces from that time. : )]

Depression.

http://www.angelamaiers.com/

Living in Nebraska

It is another winter day in Nebraska. Just as snowy today as ever... but that seems to be the norm for our home. We moved here in 1995 and have experienced many different types of weather at many different times of the year. The teachers seemed surprised when I said that I could not remember year to year weather history. I really cannot recall what the weather was the year before. I know we had snow days at Thanksgiving, but the only thing I can recall about that one was Jenn and Kelly being home, and that the living room was in the garage, and cooking on the wood stove because there was no power. That dates that snow storm at 2005 since Jennifer graduated in 2006 and was in Lincoln at Thanksgiving time in 2006. I really just don't care. I know I have written about it in my journal, I guess all the days of my life are recorded someplace... on paper or now on this blog. Is that crazy? To start a blog that others can see, and spill my guts? I guess I really don't care if I am talking to someone or no one but me.

I have come to decide that I want to make our home and farm a sanctuary/fortress. I really love our home. I love it more and more each day. I really dread leaving it everyday, but I also dread staying here for days on end. I guess I am just mixed up. I am just learning that I am in charge of my destiny. I can do as I wish and I, and I alone, am obligated to change it. That causes havoc with my belief in Jesus. I have always felt that I am obligated to submit to others as I am to be the subordinate. Hm!

Well, once again, welcome to my thoughts and my journee. I know that journey is spelled journey, but I have seen it spelled for a person's name with two ees, and I am compelled to be different and my journee is different too. I love my life and I hate it. I love what is happening to me and I dread it. I love how my children are growing up and moving on. I don't hate it, I just know that one day my life will be done and I hope that I have been to them and given them what they need to be well rounded adults. It is strange to think that they came from me and they are going on to make a life apart from me. a Miracle I confess... praise Jesus for His grace to make a baby and raise the baby up times three... I love you Samuel, Jennifer and Kelly!!

to live by

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

-St. Paul"

The day to start a blog~day number two of a snow day vacation...

How does a person manage to not waste every day of their lives? I have such noble intentions when I wake in the morning, then bam! the day is over and it's time to think about tomorrow. I really hope that having this blog will help me be a better person and better manager of my time! I am afraid that it will just encourage me to spend more time procrastinating and less time doing... isn't that what it's all about? at least for me it is, wasting time planning and never get to the doing. If there were one thing I could change about me, that might be it. I better go think about that... I bet if I spent too much time thinking it over, I'd find many, many more things to wish to change. Until next time, k